What to Do When You and Your Partner Show Love Differently
Have you ever gone out of your way to do something thoughtful for your partner—only to feel like they didn’t even notice? Or maybe your partner brings you gifts, but what you really want is a hug. If this sounds familiar, you may be speaking different love languages—and you’re not alone.
At the Relationship Therapy Center, we often meet couples who truly care about each other but struggle to feel connected. The issue usually isn’t a lack of love—it’s that partners have different love languages, and their efforts are getting lost in translation.
The Concept of Love Languages
Dr. Gary Chapman introduced the idea of the 5 Love Languages as a way to help couples understand how people express and receive love. These languages include:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Acts of Service
4. Receiving Gifts
5. Physical Touch
Understanding your partner’s love language—and your own—can make a big difference in helping both of you feel loved and appreciated.
Why Love Gets Lost in Translation
Let’s say your love language is quality time, and your partner shows love through acts of service. You might crave long talks or intentional moments together, while your partner thinks they’re showing love by washing your car or cooking dinner.
You both are showing love, but if it’s not in a way the other recognizes, it may not land. That’s when couples start feeling disconnected and wonder, “Why don’t I feel loved anymore?”
Learning to Speak Each Other’s Language
The key isn’t just knowing how you express and receive love—it’s learning how your partner does, too.
Here’s how you can bridge the gap:
1. Identify Your Primary Love Languages
You can start by taking the quiz on Gary Chapman’s website or reflecting on what makes you feel the most cared for. Ask your partner:
· What makes you feel closest to me?
· When do you feel most appreciated?
Your answers will guide you toward your top love languages.
2. Validate Differences Without Judgment
If your partner values receiving gifts while you crave physical affection, avoid comparing which is “better” or “deeper.” Instead, understand that you’re wired differently—and that’s okay.
It’s not uncommon for one partner to love holding hands and cuddling, while the other shows love by running errands or organizing the garage. The point isn’t to change each other—it’s to appreciate and adapt.
3. Make Small Shifts That Speak Volumes
Once you know your partner’s love language, start showing love in their language—not just yours.
If their language is:
· Words of Affirmation: Leave encouraging notes. Say “I appreciate you” more often.
· Quality Time: Spend time together without distractions. Create weekly rituals.
· Acts of Service: Help lighten their load—without being asked.
· Receiving Gifts: Surprise them with thoughtful tokens (they don’t have to be expensive).
· Physical Touch: Hug often, sit close, or offer gentle back rubs. Don’t underestimate the power of physical affection like holding hands.
And don’t forget to gently ask them to do the same for you. This mutual effort creates a stronger emotional connection.
4. Talk About What Makes You Feel Loved
Be clear about what you need without making it a complaint.
Instead of: "You never say nice things to me."
Try: "I feel closest to you when you say something kind or thoughtful. It really fills my tank."
This kind of open dialogue invites your partner to listen—and respond—without defensiveness.
When Love Still Feels Off
Sometimes, even after learning each other’s love languages, couples still struggle to connect. It may be because past hurt, poor communication patterns, or life stressors are blocking emotional closeness.
That’s when working with a marriage or relationship counselor can help. At the Relationship Therapy Center, we offer a safe space to unpack emotional roadblocks and rebuild healthy ways of expressing and receiving love. Our therapists help couples tune into each other again—through both conversation and action.
Final Thoughts
Love isn’t just about feeling—it’s also about understanding. When partners have different love languages, it doesn’t mean you’re incompatible—it means you need a little translation.
The good news? You can learn to express and receive love in ways that make both of you feel seen, safe, and cherished.
If you’re struggling to feel connected, don’t wait. The Relationship Therapy Center is here to help you reconnect, communicate, and grow—together.